A lesson in challenging negative thoughts
Content Warning: This article includes reference to suicidal ideation.
It’s 2022 and I can’t believe I have completed dilating therapy, had my smear test, and had pain-free penetrative sex. I never thought I’d make it here. I went through many ups and downs in the last few years and just wanted to give up. I have been reflecting after seeing a psychosexual therapist for a year and one major takeaway from therapy is that your body will follow your mind - talking nicely to your body and self will go a long way but talking negatively will cause great harm to your whole being. I have achieved what I thought was impossible. I went through my vaginismus diary earlier today and was tearing up at how badly I spoke to myself.
In 2020, I had a breakdown, and I was at my absolute lowest and did not want to live anymore after another failed attempt at penetrative sex with a friend I loved. I wrote down every negative thought I had in 2020 and challenged it. This is dedicated to anyone who is currently having similar thoughts. I wanted to share what I wished I told myself back then. I hope the alternative thought to the negative one will help you.
What’s wrong with me?
There’s nothing wrong with me but something does not feel right
I am broken and no one understands it
I am not broken, talking to friends who aren’t experts does not help and I need to reach out to the right people about the issues I am having when it comes to sex, my pain is valid
My body is broken
My body is not broken, it is protecting itself from what it perceives as a threat, so it does work, I just need help from an expert to find out why I am in pain every time I attempt penetrative sex
I hate myself
My worth is not determined by whether I can have intercourse, I am going to work on loving myself
I do not deserve pleasure
I deserve all the pleasure and should stop telling myself I don’t
I’m in pain physically and mentally
I need to listen to my body and not ignore it, I have been brushing it under the carpet for years, but I am in pain physically and it is affecting my mental health and my relationships
I can’t take it anymore
I should stop engaging in what is causing me pain, I am not weak for not continuing or less of a woman
I do not want to be here anymore
I am feeling very low and have hit rock bottom so I should talk to someone I trust
I’m going to stop engaging in anything sexual
Taking a break and stepping back is fine but stopping altogether will cause me great sadness because I enjoy sex*
I am not a woman
I am a woman, and I don’t need to have intercourse to feel like one, there is so much more to me than just my body so fuck the patriarchy
I am not a sexual being
I am a sexual being, sex should not be limited to penetrative sex there’s so much more to sex, like hugging, kissing, and oral sex
I will not get over this
This is temporary and with the right support and self-belief I will overcome this
To those who feel broken, alone, and scared, please know you are not alone and the first step to getting help is telling someone you trust. Say these affirmations out loud, and keep saying them until you believe them. Memorise it, and write it down if you need to. I believe in you and will not stop believing that you will be in a better place.
Written by Anonymous.
If you find yourself needing to talk to someone after reading this story, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
